A penny for my Thoughts

before i continue studying for tmr's NMR test again, i'll blog wat i thought of while i was bathing just now...

Pride...

something which everybody has.... n something which stops us from connecting to God altogether... how scary for one to keep this thing and hold on to it like some precious treasure...

i'll kill it and slaughter it and kill it and slaughter it...

when it comes to me, i'll hack it into pieces and throw it into the incinerator, burn it and make sure it never comes back again...

so many things happened since the beginning of 2005...

i was so overwhelmed by everything that i was totally lost in space... i dunno what i am or what i should do or what i can do or what i'm doing... i was depressed and i couldnt concentrate on anything...

but by the grace of God, He brought me through all these and He's reviving my spirit...

things that need to be settled has to be settled... i must be bold to face it and not allow fear to take over me... behind fear is pride... that's very true... i've experienced it and i've hacked it... this time round, the kind of fear is slightly different... i cant really say what it is, but its just fear of the kind of response from someone....

anyway, that's not what i was thinking of while i was bathing.. hahaa....

God is truly a good God cos He is always there for me... i must be a humble person so that He will not resist me...

seriously speaking.. i cant remember what i wanna say already.... hehe... i'm sorry about that...

i just want to say that God is a good God and i love Jesus who is my best friend and i honour the Holy Spirit who is my guide and my counsel....

QUOTE: Love God wholeheartedly and love people fervently. That's what the + is all about.

Fight the fight of FAITH

Whatever my eyes can see
Lord You have given to me
Whatever I ask in Your name
You have given too

Whatever my hands can touch
Lord You have made into much
Wherever I go in Your name
I go with You

I have the substance of the things I hope for
Proof of the things unseen
I believe in the power that You breathe on me

I have the substance of the things I hope for
Proof of the things unseen
Gonna shout the walls down as I pray

We fight the fight of faith
Taking ground at Your command
We fight the fight of faith
Upon the solid rock we stand
We fight the fight of faith
Your living word is in our hands
We fight the fight of faith
We desire Your fire can see Your dream
Proclaim Your name
And every knee shall bow






Alright... that was a prelude to what i wanna say in this entry...

just had another great conference by pst ulf.. truthfully speaking... i didnt tear as i ought to.. too many things in my mind... but i know i will.. i will and i will... wherever the Spirit of God is, there I will be.. i will go.. i will do.. God plans it and i got to obey it...

MISSIONS...

i prayed this before i left house to meet shenhui for dinner n after that went for conference.. i actually prayed that i can obey the great commandment to fulfill the great commission.. very apt.. very timely... it must have been God....

i never really had a heart for malaysia... my attitude was that there are already so many churches in malaysia... i should focus on other places like china....

until God reminded me during the service itself that the friend i'm reaching out to is a malaysian.. and my good friend jenny is also a malaysian... reaching out to this malaysian friend means i got to start to have a heart for malaysia as well.. (whether u understand or not, this is wat i feel) reaching out to this malaysian friend means when this friend gets saved, malaysia could be blessed...

wow... i've never thought of it that way.. i'm actually doing missions when i reach out to people that's of a different nationality as i am... i may not be physically in that country preaching the gospel.. but i'm still doing missions...

wow wow wow...

this is how God encourages people like me...

the last thing i wanna hear from God is that if i dont settle what i need to settle in my heart, i'm held responsible for thousands of people, if not, millions...

that really shook me... and urged me to want to settle everything quickly and move on in the kingdom of God...

i must pray and believe God will do a great work in me...

pray for more inspiration, creativity... bless the church, bless the people who needs the gospel... use me in a great mighty way.. powerful, anointed, a woman after God's own heart...

QUOTE: Whatever my hands can touch, Lord You have made into much.

phew!! chingay is finally over!!! and i must applause everybody involved for their hard work... especially the leaders... bro tan boon, sis justinn, irenaus, jennifer... they are simply wonderful people to hang around with!!

of course not forgetting all that went down to support us...

i wanna thank jenny n her friend, jiahui for coming all the way down to watch the ENTIRE parade... u girls must have been really tired waiting for us to appear!! thank u so much!! thank God for jenny!!!

i wanna thank yaqi for going down after cell group meeting to support us too... all our efforts have not come to waste! feel really appreciated knowing that u came down to watch too!!

i wanna thank sis yilin for trying to catch a glimpse of me on the tv ... hehee.. that was a good effort!!!thank u!!

last but not least, i thank all those who wished me a great chingay performance either through sms or face-to-face.... thanks for all the encouragements!!!

of course!!!!

most importantly....

i wanna thank God for the strength throughout this whole event... thank God that it was a success!!! thank God for the friends that i've made thru this event... thank God for His presence during the performance... a million thanks to my God who gave us everything...

QUOTE: I thank God for all my friends....

apparently i didnt freak out before my biotech test today... like how it was on tuesday... i was pretty hyper the entire day... thank God i managed to finish studying the notes... TWICE!! i think its the first time in my NUS years that i managed to study the notes for a TEST, TWICE! haha.. God is indeed a wonderful God...

chingay preview was alright.. surprisingly i wasn't nervous at all.. although there were some mistakes here n there.... everybody did well... n i think i enjoyed it... the friends, the performance, the audience, the cheers, the whistling.....

serving God in this manner is wonderful...

i think i'm just not cut out to be a cell group leader.... thank God for STRIKEFORCE....

i've been thinking this entire week why i've been so passive in cell group recently.... i'm really not even sure if i love the cell group anymore... i'm not doing what i should do... not faithful in the little things.... i feel tired of this again... why am i always going in and out of this situation... especially when i'm ndw... it always happens....

can i get out of serving like how i used to serve in the cell group?? with influence comes responsibility... i'm not prepared and not ready...

i shall fulfill my first calling....

and find out what's my second calling in time to come...

QUOTE: The joy of the Lord is my strength!

in the beginning of this week, i was totally stressed out n freaking out...

i did something really stupid i have no idea y i did it.. dun ask me what it is... its an extremely long story...

totally freaked me out..

after pharmacotherapy test and some issues tt were 65% settled, i regained my hyperactivity state...

next was chingay practices... sunday, monday, tuesday and finally wednesday... Friday is the preview and saturday is the actual performance...

i'm more concerned about my biotech test on friday..

i think my adrenaline will only start to rush after the test on friday... before that.. i'd probably be quite freaking out too...

negative confessions...

God!!!!!! i need u 9999999999999999999999999999999 times more this year than last year....

QUOTE: A big person has BIG CAPACITY.

i have many friends...

good friends, bad friends, normal friends, not-so-familiar friends, msn friends, church friends, school friends etc...

i've officially crowned someone my GOOD friend (好朋友 in chinese).

take note.. this is a rare occasion... ever since i was hurt in a friendship ages ago, i've never really considered anyone my good friend. everybody is just a friend to me. and every friend is just a passing wind to me. they come to me (or me to them) when its the season. after which all will be gone.. don't be mistaken! they are still my friends. but the relationship is seasonal. not through thick n thin kind and doesnt last long...

i've mentioned before three people who are an important part in my life. i've just added in another piece of puzzle of my life.

i really appreciate this person. although we don't really talk a lot, neither do we go out together all the time, but i know u have become part of my life. thank u for the encouragements, thank u for all the jokes and laughter, thank you for being such a great friend to me. a million thank yous cant express how much i appreciate it.

and thank you for giving the book which costs $30. it could change the rest of my life cos i'm quite lost now. if u r reading this, u'll know who u are... THANK YOU!!!

i'm not even sure why i'm so 感性 recently. been thanking and appreciating a lot of people. (i thought thanksgiving is over?) but no. if God is love, love is around the place cos God is omnipresent. i dont have to wait till Christmas to appreciate anyone. everyday should be a thanksgiving day. Jesus loved us so He died on the cross on Easter. God loves us so He brought Jesus to planet earth on Christmas. and everyday God is with us because He loves us so much.

i love God and i love my friends. of course not excluding my family members. i love all of them. but i don't love enough.

QUOTE: I must forget myself.

i love to take photos!!!!

i love to take pictures of my friends...

i love to take pictures of my friends with me...

i love to take pictures of myself!!

hahaha... i simply love it!!!

i was telling a friend of mine that i'm going to take photos when we go for lesson on monday... then she asked me how come i'm always taking photographs...

n i was thinking....

n i replied her saying that cos i think i have good looking friends and i like to take pictures of all my friends!!

that's true k... hehee..

n then i began to think further....

i'm quite particular in photo taking.. tho i'm not in any photographic society, i think i have some flair in taking pictures too.. i like to take professional looking pictures.. hahha.. i'm not trained in taking pictures or using the camera... but it just so happens that i can take relatively nice pictures of people... its a gift!!

i have to take nice pictures of my friends... otherwise i wont be satisfied... with this in mind, i thought to myself, what's the reason behind it?

so i came to a conclusion that i want to take the best pictures that i can of my friends because i want to bring out the best in them..

i've always wanted to be someone who can help people to realise their potentials and dream greater dreams for God, knowing what God has given to them... this had been one of my dreams... (n this' the reason y i wanted to be a cell group leader last time..)

anyway, yeap.. that's all i wanna blog for today...

so next time if i grab u to take photos, dun reject me k? cos God wanna show u what u are capable of!!!

am i really that stressed out??

or is it depression???

i doubt it is depression... probably just somethings which kept on repeating in my mind... no answers to it, but it just kept coming back to my mind... and its probably making me going a bit haywire...

stressed? probably..

not sure what i'm stressed about... maybe its that thing again... the same issue that is still in my mind as i'm typing this... somehow i cant let it go...

cos i just want my friend to know that God is there...

i heard stories about this friend of mine... in a way, i know quite a bit about this friend... but i have not seen it with my own eyes... those were just passing comments and some incidents which i heard from people around me... (probably that's y its bothering me so much)...

i love all my friends and i would want to protect my friends from harm.. and most of all.. i want my friends to know Jesus, who can be their best friend...

in other words, i just wanna be a good friend to everybody. a friend who is there when help is needed... a friend who is there when someone needs a listening ear..

sometimes i really think i'm not a people person.. just take cg for example.. how many times have i tried to build relationships in the cg? upteen.. but nothing much accomplished (at least from what i can see).. most of the time i try to get into the lives of others...

probably i'm not too open myself... but i'm too used to being independent (other than the fact that i need God)... somehow when things happen to me, i dun see the need to tell everybody... i only tell some people.. less than 5..

well, i'm getting a bit out of point..

anyway, i know i have a faithful reader here... she's none other than RUTH... haha.. thanks for always reading my blog and giving ur comments for each entry!! thanks!! i appreciate it... a lot!!

this entry is getting nowhere... my ideas seem to be all over the place.. that's true.. i'm not even sure what i wanna write in here... see all the wires tangled up in my brain?

so..... i need a rest..... i need to totally depend on my God alone...

and to the friend that i mentioned above (not ruth), if you happen to read this (i think chances are quite low)... just wanna tell u that no matter what i've heard is true or not (whether from u or from others).. u are still my friend.. and i sincerely hope that God will touch u one day... that u'll live a more fulfilled life.. a more meaningful life... a life full of purpose... i'll pray...

QUOTE: Love others as you love yourself.

went to the hospital today....

before i go into the main topic, i shall tell u sth hilarious... (but not funny at all)..

i went to the a&e department just now.. n i told the old man there (who is a nurse) that the clinic doc gave my grandma medicine (actually a jab, but i din say it is a jab) but the doc din write in the letter.. so i asked if i should tell him or tell the doc (from the hospital) later...

and he looked at me and gave me a confused look...like i'm talking alien... so he asked me what medicine... after some explanation, i told him the doc injected the medicine... n then he exclaimed," OH!! INJECTION!! NOT MEDICINE!!"

i was like @#$%^&.... hahahaha.... (hey.. stop laughing!!) its not funny at all k.. i was mad!!! guess what!! i was wearing NUS PHARMACY t-shirt.... i wanted to dig a hole to put my head in that moment..... arghhh..... throw my face (diu1 lian3 in chinese)... to think i'm 3rd year pharmacy student!!!! manz... so embarrassing!!! hahaha....

thank God i've got security in Christ....

anyway.. the main topic is that my grandma was admitted to the hospital...

n yesterday my house was a volcano...

cos my grandma started mumbling to herself from day till night, which made my mum very frustrated... not the kind where old people got dementia then mumble that kind... but she always mumble stuff that irritates my mum... u know.. indirectly scolding my mum that kind... yeah.. anyway...that's not the main point..

so when i reached home yesterday, my mum started complaining to me... n eugene n kimberly was disturbing my mum when she was trying to get dinner done... so she was really angry n frustrated n everything....

yeah.. so this morning my grandma started feeling breathless..

i was in sch going for my next lecture at arts when my mum called to ask me if i can go home to fetch grandma to see doctor.. so i was like ok lor.. (i was that very interested to attend that lect also actually)....

when i saw my grandma, she was breathing very hard and she looked really pale... breaking out in cold sweat... it was quite serious actually... but by God's grace, she was still able to walk some distance... (by the way, i spend quite a bit on cab today...)

after which the doc recommended that she be admitted to hospital... so i brought her to the hospital...thinking that it might just be the normal long long wait...

but surprisingly, it was very fast.. i reached the hospital at around 115 and all was done at 2pm... VERY VERY VERY FAST!!!

well.. those are not the main points too.. haha... (wonder when i'll get to the main point.. search me too.. let me type out everything before i know wat i'm trying to say...)

the nurse came out while i was doing some registration stuff... he said that she has to stay in the hospital (like i already know...) n there's some fluid in her lungs (which is due to the heart failure.. pulmonary ischemia. check mednet.com if u want to know more).. so they had to do some blood tests n got to wait like 5hrs... so i was like ok.. i'll go n get some food n go jenny's room (so here i am blogging)...

then came calls from my mum n my sis asking hows the situation like... (mind u, i was already on NUSISB gng to jenny's room) n they kept asking me if anyone was with grandma (knowing that i cant go into the a&e rooms where the doctors n the patients are)...

but one thing i realised is that im really taking this as a not-so-serious-case (but i'm quite sure i'm the only one who knows the seriousness for a 90 year old grandmother to have acute heart failure, breathlessness and fluid in the lungs plus very low blood pressure.)

anytime....

but i dun think so..

faith? trust? belief?

i asked myself.. is it because i have too much faith or because i dont love my grandma enough..

it is actually a very sad thought.. i know that even if she pass away, she'll be with the Lord. but will i even tear? actually i've thought about it many times...

somehow, i'm just not so worried... (do i love enough?) i just wonder...

anyway, lets just pray in faith, knowing that God is in control of everything... :)

went to check out ebloggy.com again just now....

its still not working yet cos the host have not done what's necessary.... ebloggy is absolutely apologetic about it..

well... they are fogiven...

what's more, i still have this spare one here for me to write in.. :D

today's a happy day for me...

i went shopping for my new year's clothes!! bought two tops and one three-quarter pants... $30 altogether... not too bad lah.. just that the quality might not be that fantastic... -shrugs-

anyway.. i'm happy with that.. and oh.. i bought a belt... hehe.. brown colour belt.. not too bad.. (at least that's what i think) the next thing i wanna buy is a cap.. :)

and God is a good God.. cos He answers prayers in a blink of an eye... for with faith, i can move a mountain...

its true!!!

i shall only say one of the things which God did for me today...

i prayed n prayed for my singing n composing lesson before n during lesson... i prayed that i can sing well (after missing two lessons)... and i prayed that i can play the keyboard well...

and i guess u should know by now that i actually did well in both! very amazing.. God is a wonderful God.. i sang the best that i can and God did the rest that He did! and my teacher commented that i'm quite alright on the keyboard (he gave me two songs to learn today)... so i was quite encouraged and i further believe that i'm in this...

another thing is that my song made its first public appearance for the sake of charity on sat, 29 jan 05.. they told me it was a success... there were people who went and the atmosphere was pretty good... God is my Lord... and my boss (aka teacher) told me that the song was really good and they might just want to record a proper demo...

i was thrilled on the inside of me!!

things are going the way God wants it to be...

all i have to do is to be faithful and be humble.. be teachable and continue to love God and love people... that's what the cross is all about...

QUOTE: God, You answer my prayers everytime i pray....